Friday, May 23, 2008


Teh Juggernauts are a pretty diverse group of kids, in some ways. I feel safe saying that we all strive towards the goal of a world where reason trumps blind faith, and where the definition of morality has become the alleviation of human suffering. The way that we attempt to embody that goal, however, varies greatly from pirate to pirate.

Some of us are vegetarians, while others support hunting and fishing.

Some of us vote in every election, while others protest the elections, and refuse to vote.

Some stand behind Obama, both with our single votes and our campaign efforts, while others see third-party votes as the only conscionable choice.

We all, however, fight for change in the ways we feel most apt to breed success. We have started campus groups, passed out fliers, hosted benefit concerts, registered voters, voiced opposition to those who would voice bigotry and oppression, wrote in to the local media, attended and organized protests, held banners, attended marches, and raised money for charities.

We all stand for a change that the current political administration is resistant towards. It is very likely that at least three of us have "files", limited biographies that we will never read. I wonder, occasionally, what they say.

A friend of mine was able to see her file once, a few years ago. It read that she should be observed, as she was a "known anarchist".

Oh, crap, son! Watch out!

A belief system has now become adequate reason to follow someone?

I like to imagine that mine reads that I am a "known Pirate".

Anyways... cue the ominous music.

This article just came out in the Portland IMC.

Paul Carroll was riding his bike when his cell phone vibrated.
Once he arrived home from the Hennepin County Courthouse, where he'd been served a gross misdemeanor for spray-painting the interior of a campus elevator, the lanky, wavy-haired University of Minnesota sophomore flipped open his phone and checked his messages. He was greeted by a voice he recognized immediately. It belonged to U of M Police Sgt. Erik Swanson, the officer to whom Carroll had turned himself in just three weeks earlier. When Carroll called back, Swanson asked him to meet at a coffee shop later that day, going on to assure a wary Carroll that he wasn't in trouble.

Carroll, who requested that his real name not be used, showed up early and waited anxiously for Swanson's arrival. Ten minutes later, he says, a casually dressed Swanson showed up, flanked by a woman whom he introduced as FBI Special Agent Maureen E. Mazzola. For the next 20 minutes, Mazzola would do most of the talking.

"She told me that I had the perfect 'look,'" recalls Carroll. "And that I had the perfect personality—they kept saying I was friendly and personable—for what they were looking for."

What they were looking for, Carroll says, was an informant—someone to show up at "vegan potlucks" throughout the Twin Cities and rub shoulders with RNC protestors, schmoozing his way into their inner circles, then reporting back to the FBI's Joint Terrorism Task Force, a partnership between multiple federal agencies and state and local law enforcement. The effort's primary mission, according to the Minneapolis division's website, is to "investigate terrorist acts carried out by groups or organizations which fall within the definition of terrorist groups as set forth in the current United States Attorney General Guidelines."

Carroll would be compensated for his efforts, but only if his involvement yielded an arrest. No exact dollar figure was offered.

"I'll pass," said Carroll.

For 10 more minutes, Mazzola and Swanson tried to sway him. He remained obstinate.

"Well, if you change your mind, call this number," said Mazzola, handing him her card with her cell phone number scribbled on the back.

I'll let that sink in a minute.


We are being watched and observed. We have done nothing wrong. We actually stand up for the founding documents of this country, and yet somehow we have been labeled as the traitors.

The terrorists we hear about on the news are men in the Middle East, who have bombs strapped to their chests.

Why is the FBI wasting money searching for the terrorists who attend VEGAN POTLUCKS??

Could it be, just perhaps, that they are not looking for those who are willing to commit terrorist acts against this country, but simply those who would commit ThoughtCrime against an administration who has repeatedly trampled upon our Constitution?

"Dissent is the highest form of patriotism" - Howard Zinn


LArtsy said...

Yes, it is the vegans we have to look out for those animal loving scoundrels!

This kinda sorta reminds me of the movie Equilibrium...and Minority Report with the whole 'thought crime' shenanigans.

Screw the government for being stupid. (OH NYOES! Is that going to go in my file?!)

nisemono3.14 said...

I think I might email "The Government", and request that they write "known Pirate" in my file.

Yeah, it is very "minority Report" or "1984".

Anonymous said...

You know if thought was a crime, you'd already be arrested.

Seriously though, if you guys are on the government's radar, it is Ryan's fault. It was that whole "Vote with Velociraptors" thing. There are just too many dinosaurs in government. I bet the one Ryan beat up complained to the Extinct/Endangered Species Rights Commission (EESRC).

Justin CF said...

Can't you request that the gub'ment send you your file somehow?

Dad used to tell this story about grandpa Chris getting a hold of his file; it said he was a "smart ass".

The Juggernauts should all request their files and then publish them on the internet!

nisemono3.14 said...

You can request your files.

The thing is, if you don't have a file, you sure as hell do after the request.


Justin CF said...

I would be willing to bet good money that you and Ryan (at the very least) have files. After all, you've been in the paper... how many times?

Also, Ryan's file probably has the words "atheist", "violence", "Mohawk", and "Molotov" located somewhere in the first paragraph.

nisemono3.14 said...

I have to assume that I have a file. The Radishprobably sealed that deal. If it didn't then surely something I have done between now and then has. Yay for being a patriot, and standing up for our Constitution.

Remind me, and I will print off the requests over at your house.

We no can haz all the printers.

LArtsy said...

I will feel so uncool if I don't have a file...therefore I think we should all request one. And then have a party. With burritos.

nisemono3.14 said...

I concur. And then they shall be uploaded.

Justin CF said...

The real question is, are you on THE LIST??? (dun-dun)

The above link starts out by just going over old information, but then it gets pretty scary. I would definitely give it read.