FSM Crochet - Part One

I'm currently crocheting a little FSM. When looking for other people who had already crocheted FSMs*, I found this old but fun news story:

FSM sold for $510 on eBay

By Elia Diodati
November 15, 2005

The Flying Spaghetti Monster has been spotted on eBay. A plush toy version of His Noodly Appendage was just sold for $510 to support The National Center for Science Education. « Panda’s Thumb

*I also found this FSM hat and this FSM dildo cozy.

FSM Has Pride

Check out this awesome photo I saw on the Pervocracy blog of the Seattle Pride Parade:



Yarrr!

Thanks For Making Me Embarrassed of Home

And people wonder where I get my motivation to oppose religion...

Here is a Letter to the Editor of the local paper in my hometown of Mountain Home, Arkansas:

I had the honor of attending a reception for retiring teachers and classified employees and bus drivers of the Mountain Home Public School District. It was so refreshing to be reminded of the years my children were in school here. You are all heroes, and I mean real heroes.

I must name a few, and if you are not listed, please don't be offended, but space prohibits listing all of you. Alice Baker, my daughter looked forward to your Bible story every morning, and she still often speaks of it fondly. Debbie King, you put a passion for reading in my son. He loved to hear you read "Fudge." Wes Henderson, you were so much support to a single working mom and her kids. Mr. Kirksey and Mr. Simmons — always so fair and so caring. Bruce Caldwell, you were an outstanding science teacher and a good friend. Bill Hughes, you were a strong Christian influence. You all really care about your students and their futures.

I knew how special you all were when my kids were in school, and now you have my granddaughters and, soon, my grandson. I appreciated you all then, and I want to tell you again how special you all are. In one way or another, you each went above and beyond — you reinforced the values I tried to instill in my kids.

Parents with kids in Mountain Home schools, I hope you are grateful for the strong Christian values of our local school district. For many families, teachers have more time with our kids than we do. I feel very fortunate that my precious children were, and now my grandchildren are, in your care when not with their parents or me. In this dark world we live in today, it is a bright light to be in the presence of Mountain Home school teachers.

Praise you all for your love, devotion, inspiration and genuine caring you so graciously shower on the students and their families. For those of you retiring, you have earned it and I applaud you. Know that you touched a child's life in a positive way forever. You have much to be proud of. You are all the best.

Enjoy your summer. God bless you all.

I actually recall being in Bruce Caldwell's science class and hearing him say that Astronomy is not in conflict with a young Earth because god could have created starlight in transit to the Earth. In class he is telling kids that inserting your own conclusion over scientific fact is ok, and this guy is teaching science!!! Now that I'm older, and actually have a bead on science (no thanks to anti-science acquired in the eighth grade), I shudder to think that this stuff is still being taught to kids.

And a bible story every morning? Surely this was not in her class, because that would be flagrantly illegal. (EDIT: It turns out that this lady retired 20 years ago. Good.)

The Craig County School Board saga continues...

If you recall, there is some scrimmage going on over in Virginia. The Craig County School Board is considering a Bible class. Yep... a course in the public school focusing on the Good Book.

So... I sent the school board that nice little note requesting that they also teach a course on The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. I noted that I would understand if the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster needed to share time with The Bible. At least that way the children could be exposed to the good news of Beer Volcanoes and Stripper Factories, while hearing boring stories of resurrection and capital punishment.

Here is the response I received:

I regret to inform you that you have been misled, as evidenced by your message below. Mr. Gordon is "Interim Superintendent", not "Superintendent".

Aside from that, I wish to express my deep appreciation for your input in the matter of teaching a course on the Bible. I consider myself to be open-minded and endeavor to be fair in all my pursuits, but most especially in serving as a member of the Craig County School Board. I must profess, however, that I have been completely ignorant of the Pastafarian religion. Suddenly many things begin to make sense-- I have often noted that some of my friends seemed to worship pasta. Perhaps they felt inhibited from expressing the true roots of their devotion, since so many practitioners of other faiths tend to be more vocal. In particular, I often am beseiged by members of the Chocolatalians, who believe there is nothing more omnipotent, more able to show the One True Path than the great Cocoa Puff in the sky.

My own religious beliefs are not at issue here. Rather, it is whether any curriculum funded by the taxpayer adheres to constitutional mandates, whether the school system has the resources to provide for the course to be taught, whether the curriculum adequately supports the mission of the school (praise to thee, oh SOLs), whether sufficient students choose to attend and make it cost-effective, and whether acceptance of one such program opens the door to many others. This latter prospect has the potential not only to strain resources, but to engender competitiveness between proponents of various courses for scarce resources and student attention. I also hope that proponents are comfortable that equal time and funding may be allocated to perspectives at odds with their own.

Courses in religious literature and comparative religion are of great value in any educational setting. These have a profound impact on our world, past-present-future. But they must be inclusive, unbiased, and factual. Although I would like to give the Pastafarians a fair opportunity to present their case, I find it hard to believe that there will not be some inherent bias, even within the community of pasta worshippers, by lasagne advocates against mere spaghetti believers. Until I have a chance to review any proposed curriculum in detail and have it vetted by the School Board Attorney, the ACLU, and Mama Mia herself, I will have to respectfully abstain from supporting the implementation of the course you are requesting.

Meanwhile, I believe you can accomplish your goals quite sufficiently via extracurricular activities, to which I hope I will be invited to attend. I will have to beg forgiveness if I accidently eat your God, as I am a die-hard spaghetti fan and usually evidence my pasta worship by devouring the subject.

Please let me know if I may provide any additional information regarding this matter.

Best wishes,

Dawna Clephas McDowell
Vice Chair,
Craig County School Board

I took this response to be supportive. Therefore, I responded with this letter:

Ms. McDowell,

I am so glad to hear that a member of the Craig County School Board understands the importance of the inclusion of all religions, especially a discussion of the worship of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If religion is going to be placed in the high school curriculum, it becomes vital that the message of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster is represented.

I must concede that the pesky little document we refer to as "The Constitution" offers plenty of support to those who would request that we keep our personal religions out of the backpacks of public school students, or only present them as a course in comparative religions.

However, as long as we are going to push for a specific religious text to be given special attention in a public school, I believe it is vital we look at The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. If we expose children to the text of a random religion (based purely on the majority's whim), without giving them exposure to the text of the Pastafarians, I believe that it is highly probable that they would assume that the initial religion was the one that the public schools supported, and this could greatly influence their belief system.

Therefore, we will be keeping close tabs on this issue as it progresses.

Thank you for your support on this issue.
May the Flying Spaghetti Monster look down with grace upon you.

In solidarity,

-Amber Culbertson-Faegre

P.S. Eating pasta is one of the methods of worship of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, so you are perfectly fine in enjoying Spaghetti. It is our sacrament, and his way of supporting us in our daily lives. =D

We have to stay strong. Get the Flying Spaghetti Monster back in the public school classrooms where He belongs.

Swashbuckling We Go!!

We have a bit of an issue over in Virginia. Seems that the Craig County School Board is causing a bit of a fuss, wanting to put a Bible class into the public schools. The curriculum they are planning on using touts itself as "the first step to get God back into your public school."

Seeing as The Pastafarians had such a remarkable effect down in Florida, I figure it is time to pull out our swords and go swashbuckling in. We must make sure the Flying Spaghetti Monster receives equal time!!

I drew up this letter, which was sent to Superintendent Gordon, as well as School Board Vice President McDowell, Principal Critzer, Board Member McPherson, Board Member Bostic, Board Member Stanley, and the teacher Jeanne Guthrie.

Superintendent Gordon,

As an active member of the religious community, I was thrilled to hear that your district is going to begin teaching a course focusing on religion. I became worried, however, when I realized that you were only planning a curriculum focused on the Christian Bible.

As a member of one of the fastest growing religions in America, it is very important to me that religion is taught in the public schools. Children need to know the truth about their origins. I, and many many others, hold the strong belief that we were created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. We are known as The Pastafarians, and are completely devoted to our Creator. We are able to see the evidence of his existence in the world around us, and we feel touched by his Noodley appendage each day.

Since you are going to be creating a course designed to teach the Bible to your students, it is perfectly reasonable to expect you to also design a course to teach the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, written by our prophet, Bobby Henderson. Because of the financial strain that two separate courses would place on the district, I feel that it would be reasonable to simply teach the two religions alongside each other. I feel confident that the children in your district will be able to see the truth, when religions are compared up close.

You may be hesitant, at first, fearing that your faculty members do not have enough training to adequately teach our religious customs. We will happily guide your faculty members through the entire process. It is quite simple, although it does require that they be dressed in full Pirate regalia. To speak of The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster without dressing in Pirate regalia would anger Him.

You may also be wonder if there is enough information on our religion to fill an entire semester. The answer, of course, is a resounding yes. We have an entire book, which you would of course require students enrolled in the class to read. We also have a great deal of information about the various proofs of his existence available online, at www.venganza.org.

If you have any further questions when designing this curriculum, feel free to call or email me, or visit www.venganza.org for more information.

r’Amen,

-Amber Culbertson-Faegre

nisemono.12.15.1791@gmail.com
tehjuggernauts.blogspot.com

Feel free to copy and paste anything you like, or mix and mingle it to make it your own. Just get some emails flowing.

This line should send it to everyone I mentioned above:
jguthrie@craig.k12.va.us; dmcdowell@craig.k12.va.us; dstanley@craig.k12.va.us; sbostic@craig.k12.va.us; scritzer@craig.k12.va.us; jmcpherson@craig.k12.va.us; rgordon@craig.k12.va.us

If I get ambitious tonight, I might even send them a care package snail-mail, with some Ramen and a drawing of a Beer Volcano.

***
EDIT
***

The following is the letter that Ryan sent in:

An Open Letter to the Craig County School Board

Dear Craig County School Board,
I am pleased to hear that you are hoping to institute a class focusing on the Bible. As a Captain of the Missouri State University Chapter of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it is important to me that we convert as many people to my religion as possible. As is evident in your support of this proposed class, you feel the same way. And, as you well know, Craig County School Board, nothing works half as well as gettin' 'em young.

Anyway, Craig County School Board, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I expect my religious beliefs to be taught (funded, of course, by taxpayer dollars) right alongside your own.

I'll explain my religion here in brief, just in case you haven't been informed.
Pastafarians (that's us!) believe that a gigantic, sometimes invisible ball of spaghetti crafted the Heavens and the Earth. And a tree. Also a midget. This Flying Spaghetti Monster, as we call Him, is a generally well-disposed fellow. If you live by flimsy moral standards, you get to go to Heaven. His heaven has a beer volcano and a stripper factory. Sadly, His Hell has stale beer and strippers with venerial diseases. Not a pretty sight.
We have a plethora of holidays, which we expect you to take as seriously as you take your own, Christian holidays. Most important are:
-Friday (Friday is the name of the holiday, and when it takes place! Like the 4th of July!)
-Holiday, lasting most of December and well into January (those Happy Holiday signs you see in stores are in celebration of our holiday, Holiday)
-Halloween (which originated with pirates giving away candy to children).
The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster must also be taught in full pirate regalia. Nothing less will suffice, Craig County School Board, as we believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster will be angry if it is not.
He's finicky.

I hope to hear of the adoption of the Gospel of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster into your school's Bible study curriculum, as our school's ACLU lawyers will likely be relieved that they do not have to sue you.

Have a wonderful day, Craig County School Board!

-Ryan Culbertson-Faegre
culbertson-faegre555@missouristate.edu

FSM STATUE?? ZOMG!!

Crossville, Tennesse recently (March, 2008) erected a statue of the Flying Spaghetti Monster near their courthouse. It seems the courthouse has decided to allow anyone and everyone to apply for permits to erect statues on the front lawn. The FSM stands beside a Jesus, a Statue of Liberty, and a Moses Statue, as well as chain-saw carved bears.

Rock the fuck on.

EDIT:

According to Justin, Laughing Squid recently blogged about it.

A local news crew did a story on it, as well.

Brother Jed Photos Continued

See a slideshow of the rest of Day 2's photos along with Day 3 photos (which might be the best of the bunch) by clicking here.

Brother Jed on campus - Day Two

As Amber already mentioned in an earlier blog, we did JedFest yesterday, raised a lot of moneys for Heifer International and bought rabbits and chickens for some hungry people thanks to it. Awesome awesome awesome. We worked with Brother Jed and it paid off for six families in impoverished parts of the world.

But today, things were back to normal.

Sister Pat says, "What? What? In the butt?"

Casey (right) says, "Hey, how are you today?"

Sister Pat (left) says, "Are you looking for attention? Your parents must not love you. And by the way, your belly button is showing and that's indecent. Boys are going to try to get in your pants!"

Sex??? Oh noes!!

Sister Pat asks, "Are you a virgin?"

This guy replies, "Yes. I mean, no. I have a kid."

After Ryan says he will convert to Christianity if Brother Jed gives him evidence as to why Christianity is more likely to be the one true religion over other religions, Brother Jed says, "Blah blah bible. Blah blah faith. Blah blah sin. Blah blah bible."

Ryan has a question.

Ryan says, "So can you give me evidence."

Brother Jed says, "I'm giving you evidence. Blah blah bible! Blah blah faith!"

Ryan says, "Shenanigans!"


Japheth and Ryan barbershop quartet some hymns for Brother Jed.

More photos coming soon.

JedFest

Yesterday, April 29th, Teh Juggernauts brought JedFest to the Missouri State campus.

Everyone on campus knows the face and voice of Brother Jed Smock. The angry evangelical psychotic man has been traveling on college campuses nationwide since the late seventies. The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster has been on him for the last few years, never backing down from the fight.

This semester, we decided to switch it up a bit. No yelling matches. No screaming. No logic.

This semester, we threw a carnival. There were cupcakes, face painters, street urchins playing music, tons of chalk, water balloon chucking, and lots and lots of pirates.

Over the course of the afternoon we raised $300.37. Carly Ann rocks so hard. She did all of the counting, organizing, and paperwork to put this shit together. She seriously rocked face.

We have already sent the money to Heifer International. It is an amazing program which I have unlimited respect for. It will buy six separate third world families a Hope Basket. The baskets each include two rabbits (one of each sex =P), and two chickens. When they accept the basket they agree to pass the gift on, giving other families rabbits and chickens once their new livestock reproduces. Not only does it fight world hunger, but it does it in a sustainable fashion.

I am so grateful for all the pirates and pirate allies that came out to offer support. Pirates may not tithe, but they certainly know how to throw down when it matters.

I am also thankful that Brother Jed was so supportive. He may be crazy, and he may be delusional, and he might have a slight masonic complex, but he really helped us out yesterday. He even took a water balloon in the face.

**hugs**, everybody.

-Amber