Seeing as The Pastafarians had such a remarkable effect down in Florida, I figure it is time to pull out our swords and go swashbuckling in. We must make sure the Flying Spaghetti Monster receives equal time!!
I drew up this letter, which was sent to Superintendent Gordon, as well as School Board Vice President McDowell, Principal Critzer, Board Member McPherson, Board Member Bostic, Board Member Stanley, and the teacher Jeanne Guthrie.
As an active member of the religious community, I was thrilled to hear that your district is going to begin teaching a course focusing on religion. I became worried, however, when I realized that you were only planning a curriculum focused on the Christian Bible.
As a member of one of the fastest growing religions in America, it is very important to me that religion is taught in the public schools. Children need to know the truth about their origins. I, and many many others, hold the strong belief that we were created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. We are known as The Pastafarians, and are completely devoted to our Creator. We are able to see the evidence of his existence in the world around us, and we feel touched by his Noodley appendage each day.
Since you are going to be creating a course designed to teach the Bible to your students, it is perfectly reasonable to expect you to also design a course to teach the Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, written by our prophet, Bobby Henderson. Because of the financial strain that two separate courses would place on the district, I feel that it would be reasonable to simply teach the two religions alongside each other. I feel confident that the children in your district will be able to see the truth, when religions are compared up close.
You may be hesitant, at first, fearing that your faculty members do not have enough training to adequately teach our religious customs. We will happily guide your faculty members through the entire process. It is quite simple, although it does require that they be dressed in full Pirate regalia. To speak of The Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster without dressing in Pirate regalia would anger Him.
You may also be wonder if there is enough information on our religion to fill an entire semester. The answer, of course, is a resounding yes. We have an entire book, which you would of course require students enrolled in the class to read. We also have a great deal of information about the various proofs of his existence available online, at www.venganza.org.
If you have any further questions when designing this curriculum, feel free to call or email me, or visit www.venganza.org for more information.
Feel free to copy and paste anything you like, or mix and mingle it to make it your own. Just get some emails flowing.
This line should send it to everyone I mentioned above:
email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com; firstname.lastname@example.org; email@example.com
If I get ambitious tonight, I might even send them a care package snail-mail, with some Ramen and a drawing of a Beer Volcano.
The following is the letter that Ryan sent in:
An Open Letter to the Craig County School Board
Dear Craig County School Board,
I am pleased to hear that you are hoping to institute a class focusing on the Bible. As a Captain of the Missouri State University Chapter of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, it is important to me that we convert as many people to my religion as possible. As is evident in your support of this proposed class, you feel the same way. And, as you well know, Craig County School Board, nothing works half as well as gettin' 'em young.
Anyway, Craig County School Board, I guess what I'm trying to say is, I expect my religious beliefs to be taught (funded, of course, by taxpayer dollars) right alongside your own.
I'll explain my religion here in brief, just in case you haven't been informed.
Pastafarians (that's us!) believe that a gigantic, sometimes invisible ball of spaghetti crafted the Heavens and the Earth. And a tree. Also a midget. This Flying Spaghetti Monster, as we call Him, is a generally well-disposed fellow. If you live by flimsy moral standards, you get to go to Heaven. His heaven has a beer volcano and a stripper factory. Sadly, His Hell has stale beer and strippers with venerial diseases. Not a pretty sight.
We have a plethora of holidays, which we expect you to take as seriously as you take your own, Christian holidays. Most important are:
-Friday (Friday is the name of the holiday, and when it takes place! Like the 4th of July!)
-Holiday, lasting most of December and well into January (those Happy Holiday signs you see in stores are in celebration of our holiday, Holiday)
-Halloween (which originated with pirates giving away candy to children).
The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster must also be taught in full pirate regalia. Nothing less will suffice, Craig County School Board, as we believe that the Flying Spaghetti Monster will be angry if it is not.
I hope to hear of the adoption of the Gospel of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster into your school's Bible study curriculum, as our school's ACLU lawyers will likely be relieved that they do not have to sue you.
Have a wonderful day, Craig County School Board!