Letter to the College Paper's Editor

So Tuesday, our group, Team The Juggernauts (the atheists you love to hate) had just finished packing up the Brother Jed Carnival. We raised $300.00 for Heifer International, a charity which allows you to buy livestock for destitute villages around the world. All the credit goes to the wonderful student body and a psychotic yet well-intentioned man named Brother Jed. Thanks, kids!
We used your money to buy live rabbits and chickens for six villages.

Anyway, we were naturally famished after a long day of saving the world, so we figured we'd go crash the Student Government Association banquet that they'd planned instead of a meeting.
You know, nom half a dozen slices of pizza each, stuff some brownies in our pockets, steal a couple 2 liter bottles of soda, and roll. We're pirates. We can't help ourselves.

So, anyway, about six of us stroll up to the PSU's fourth floor ballroom, and instantly we freeze. Here we are, half of us dressed in full pirate regalia (as our religion dictates), one of us holding a Satan costume complete with red trident and mask, and me wearing a freshly markered "Satan is my Homeboy" T-Shirt. Every one of us dirty and slimy and sweaty. Resting before us are dozens of tables surrounded by all the normal SGA kids in swanked out suits and dresses.
We're not talking buffet, people. We're talking courses. China plates with cake, salad, chicken... table cloths... more than one fork... the whole shebang. So between the time we hightailed it out of there and the time we arrived back at our base of operations for exorbitant amounts of self-congratulatory pizza, scrambled eggs, and beer (for the so inclined), I got to thinking.

How much is this costing you?

All this talk of missing money, of SGA waste, of cutbacks, of rising tuition, and we're still throwing massive bling away for a big end-of-semester party strictly for the bourgeois Student Government kids? And there's not even free pizza? What shenanigans! Call me ignorant, but I had no idea this kind of stuff was going on right here on our little campus. I knew the charlatans who run this country were blowing our money, but I never thought that it went so far down.

You know, I inquired, and someone told me that last year's banquet cost $300.00. That sounds lovely, but it just makes you wonder what someone could do with $300.00, doesn't it?