Thursday, December 11, 2008

Twilight Can Lick My Proverbial Balls.

Ok, yeah, I know, this post is a few weeks late, but, hey, I'm in school and it gets default priority. Right after mayhem. Anyhow....

Twilight. This new literary 'sensation' that rivals Harry Potter is just so outrageously bad I think I'm going crazy because not a lot of other people have spoken up about it. So, here it is, my reasons for hating Twilight and all of its bullshit:

  1. This book has a bazillion religous undertones. Did you know that the author is Mormon? Well, now you do, and boy does it show within her work. For one thing, the looks and actions of the main female character, Bella Swan, just so happen to fit into the constraints of the author's religion. She has long hair, doesn't have premarital sex and/or sexual thoughts until after she is wed, cooks and cleans for her apparently incompetent father, and is the epitome of your stereotypical housewife/good little girl which brings me to my next point:
  2. Bella sets an abominable example for young girls with her stereotypical and mostly anitfeminist actions and views. She constantly has to be taken care of by her male counterparts unless those actions happen to be cooking and cleaning, that stuff she can handle because of her innate delicate inner female nature. Well screw that, I say, let the girl freakin' fight for herself every once in a while, have her stupid Dad learn to cook a few things to break these characters from your normal gender roles and shake things the hell up. Plus, I am a hardcore feminist and to see that Bella couldn't really stand up for herself was frustrating to read. Women are very capable creatures.
  3. This story also greatly emphasizes physical beauty. I mean, I know that this is a vampire story and that they are supposed to be beautiful, but I swear to all that you find holy if I hear about how goddamned gorgeous whatshisnuts (Edward) is one more freaking time I am going to sock the first pretty boy I see on the street in the face. I really wish that there would have been less description of his 'golden eyes' and 'marbled physique' and more about his personality and thought processes. I am pretty sure that, if you cut out all the extraneous 'Oh my god you are so pretty *drool*' portions of the book, it would cut the books in half length-wise. We get that he is easy on the eyes, now let's move the hell on and get some action up in this bitch.
  4. This book supports rather unhealthy relationships. Bells sees Edward once, and BAM! She is hooked like a junkie on heroin, no questions asked. What about actually getting to know someone? It's like she just sees this really pretty boy and that's it, that's all she needs for a fulfilling relationship. Well, I've got sour news for you chum, it takes more than a pretty face to make a relationship work. And what about the obsessive stalking that Edward does? The obvious neglect and abuse suffered? Do we really want teenaged girls to seek out this glorified emotional dependence? I've got some news for you all out there who can't get enough of this 'love story.' Someone who loves you will not just up and leave your ass for whatever reason without an explanation. Someone who loves you will not stalk your butt at all hours of the day, even when you are sleeping. Someone who loves you will communicate everything, no matter how shitty, so that you can both work it out. Edward and Bella are two dumb teenagers who haven't even begun to learn what love is or can be.
  5. Sex. The sex thing bothers me. It's like Bella and Edward are asexual beings up until they get married. Then they just can't get enough of each other's goods. Someone please point out some other couple in the history of time in their teenage years that was able to have such self-restraint and innocence for a few weeks, nevermind a few years. Even Romeo and Juliet got it on! Now, I'm not saying that the book should be overrun by hormonal teenagers, but I felt as if I was reading nothing, absolutley nothing about the physical attraction these two had for eachother (minus the 'omgz you are so pretty *droool* shit) up until they got hitched. Then it was a free-for-all junkfest. That shit is just not normal. Again, what kind of example is this setting for youngsters and how realistic is this premise? Refuckingdiculous, I say.
So, there you have it, a few reasons why I hate these goddamned books and everything that comes with it. Sure, I am a chick and I have been known to like a good romantic story every once and a while but this book just has so many blatantly unfeminist aspects I find it rather repulsive and hard to stomach.

What about you? Do you like Twilight? *eyes narrow*


Carly Ann said...

I agree with you completely, but I do want to say that in the third book (I've read up through that one, I haven't read the fourth) Bella tried more than once to get Edward to get it on with her. Of course, yes, he makes her wait and blah blah, but the THOUGHTS are there. And she tries to make it happen before they get engaged or whatever.

But yeah, you're basically spot on. And now every teenage girl, more than before, wants to see someone one time from across a cafeteria and immediately fall in love with them. So healthy. lol.

LA said...

Dude, I don't know how much farther you have to read, but once she gets the chance for premarital happy times, she declines because she is a moron.

Must. Burn. Books...

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