Californication

There's this theory going around that I'd like to dispell today. You've probably heard it all before; one side says, "The Bible doesn't mention your theory!"
The other side, compiled mostly of paleontologists, astronomers, geologists, cartographers, and other hogwash professions, says something like, "It's blatantly obvious that our 'theory' is correct!"
I'm going to weigh in on the issue and just say, once and for all, that I am of the former persuasion. I am absolutely certain that the theory of California is false. Let me explain.

The Bible, as we all know, is the unequivocal word of our Lord and Father who art in heaven, hallowed be His name, His kingdom come, and also let His will be done down here like up in Heaven. That's right. I'm talkin' about God; Jesus; Holy Ghost; the Holy Shebang.
Now, starting from the obviously logical preposition that everything in The Bible is correct, and everything outside of The Bible is incorrect, let's take a look at California. Nowhere in our Lord God's holy book, The Bible, does it mention a place called California. Heck, it doesn't even describe it. Now, I'm willing to stop right there, because I pride myself on being a God-Fearin' American. However, some (goddamn liberal) people might take a less literal viewpoint of God's The Bible, and need more proof.

Luckily, I have come prepared.

First, let me present to you my theory: that America ends where California is purported to be. Some of you may be liberals, so I'll illustrate this for you, so that you can understand it. I know you guys have a little bit of a thinking problem.
Now, I know I'll probably be getting a tide of heathenish naysayers writing in to tell me some hogwash about how they "live there" or some other shenanigans. I don't buy a word of it. How do they know that they don't just live off the coast of Arizona or maybe even Utah (we're not quite sure how far the scientists' treachery stretches)?
Maybe some of the bastard followers of dumb, pseudoscientist astrologer quacks like Eratosthenes might link me to some picture taken from "outer space." Pfft. Like humans have ever been to "outer space." That's where Heaven is, dummies. Next you'll be telling me that the Earth isn't a flat square with America smack dab in the middle.
Other people, being of the more "scientific" persuasion, might say something like, "Why don't you just figure out how far away we say it is, drive there, measure your speedometer, and then see if you get to the coastline a few hundred miles ahead of schedule?"
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd just love it if I succumbed to your sciencey ways. Sorry, no dice, liberal.
Anyway, even if I did try to use "logic" to figure out if California exists, how do I know that God's not messing with my speedometer to test my faith? After all, he is an all-powerful, future-seeing, infinitely wise bearded man who dabbles in each of our lives every day. Or, even more likely, how do I know that it's not just a massive conspiracy perpetuated by every single speedometer manufacturer, cartographer, geologist, and astronomer?

Frankly, I'll take my chances with The Bible.

-Ryan Culbertson-Faegre